Polished (dented) armor
Daily Prompt Idea:
Look for a CD from one of your favorite artists. In my case I will use Sara Bareilles “The Blessed Unrest”. After you jammed to the CD for at least an hour (or more if you’re like me) Take the title from the CD and each track, and express your “truths” based on the title of each song. This is an Daily Prompt Idea
The Blessed Unrest:
I feel I haven’t rested in… 6 years. Now, I am a 23 year old overachiever. Maybe that’s why I haven’t “rested”. My friend Yolimar nags me as if she were my mother that “you need to rest”. I try. Honestly. I do. But I feel that there’s so much to do. Too many options. My life can go in so many directions, and I still don’t know which way I have to take. I feel like I’m in the Amazon with no GPS, alone. This haunts me at night… And I’m referring to my professional life because in my personal life well… let’s look at the next point, shall we?
Sometimes I feel like I’m Merida. I’m a 23 year old man who needs no… well other man. Sometimes (many times in these past few months) I’ve cracked and I hate this feeling. I loathe it. I hate feeling “human”. I hate feeling vulnerable. Because in my family (at least that’s what I feel) being “vulnerable” is being weak.
It’s a very rational fear. When I told them what my career choice was? A civil war erupted. When I told them when and where I wanted to do it? World War I. When I got rejected the first time, and when I ACTUALLY got accepted into the program I’m going? World War II. If I actually gather up the courage to tell them the most personal part of who I am? I’m guessing it’s World War III, Terminator I,II,II, etc will explode.
Chasing the Sun:
I’ve always been somebody who chases my dreams. I’ve always wanted to “Chase the sun”. I don’t want for my life lose it’s meaning. I think that’s something us humans have. The need to feel useful. The need to feel important. I don’t know if this (Choral Conducting/Music) is the “right” dream. I feel like it is. It’s something I’m passionate about, but something in the back of my head says “maybe I’m not good enough”. The other dream, which came true for two years, is being in a relationship. I will still chase that dream. I thought I would never find somebody then he walked in. Beautiful in black. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic…
“Make me a Hercules”. Make me your Hercules. I want to be a hero to somebody. If not, somebody to look up to. I have a lot of personal baggage. I doubt myself. I don’t think I’m good enough for a lot of things. I’m inside my head too much. I’m very very oblivious. But, I want somebody to look up to me. To say that “hey. What you’re doing is cool. I wish I could do what you were doing. Maybe someday I can do that or something similar”. It’s not too much to ask. But for somebody to do this… I must actually do something.
Maybe all this family drama came at a good time. I never felt like “part of the family”. Maybe it’s for the best. They can have the house I live in (the one I hate). They seem happy. The look happy. Maybe some relationships are meant to be a long-distance one.
Maybe our relationship had to end when it ended. Maybe we were too “new at this”. Maybe our enviorments didn’t let this bloom as it should. You can have Chicago (for now). I’ll mature. I’ll grow emotionally. But after I do, I’m coming back for you and there’s nothing you can’t do.
I know I’ll cry myself to sleep at least the first two weeks I go to like in Macomb. But, hey, it’s what I wanted. I wanted a Masters, I wanted to leave. Maybe it’s all “part of it”. I had to leave my family. I have to leave this toxic place. I’m stuck here. I need to grow. But maybe I’m not alone in this whole “stuck in a rut”. My three best friends who’re moving to Chicago in the same position. Maybe after I “get my shit together” I’ll call them. I’ll tell them I’m all right. They’re my new family, after all. They will be my support system, as they have been for a while now.
Little Black dress
I’ll move. I’ll leave. I don’t care who or what they say. I’m gonna put my little black jeans and outfit on and as Latrice Royale says in “RuPaul’s Drag Race” I’m going to make them EAT it.The one who has the power in changing my life is me and I’m going to change it. I’m going to fight for what and who I love. Ain’t nobody got time for y’alls bad vibes! LET THE MUSIC PLAY! (spazzing unto a dance floor and cheering myself up)
My first kiss… perfectly imperfect.
Let’s see what a fire feels like
I bet it’s just like heaven”(Just like heaven)”
The title says it all. 1000 times…
I choose you
You know, just like in Pokemon Ash always chooses Pikachu? Well that’s me. I’ll always choose you. You’re my Pikachu. All cute and cuddly. And when you get angry you side-eye me and it’s the most adorable and frightening thing I’ll ever see. Because dissapointing you is the thing I would hate the most. Because you’re perfectly imperfect, and I choose you.
“Life in Eden changed”. Just as simple as that. It’s been a great 23 years here in Puerto Rico, but I need change. I need a change of landscape a change in perspective. I need to enhance my perspective of the world. Live in other places, meet new people, places and things. It’s not that I don’t value what I have. It’s that I’m stuck, and the perfect remedy for that is change.
No matter how many time may pass. No matter what happens. If you’re important to me (and important for me is only 5 people) I’ll do whatever it takes. I may fail the first time. I may fail the second or third, but I will always do whatever it takes. If you’re important to me, I will try. No matter what.
What I wished for every December for the past two years? To have a December with that special somebody. To have a really cheesy Christmas Day morning that only happens in the movies. Wake up, and it’s snowing. To have it be so cold and chilly that you just need to be cuddling in front of a fire escape. To drink cups of hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. To have a day between the people who really matter and just have a really happy Christmas.
I just want to be me
I just want to be myself. That goofy, sort of pratty, geek and totally clumsy me. I don’t want to keep keeping up apperences just for the sake of. I want that someday. Somewhere. I won’t have to apologize or cover who I am. If people like it they’ll stay if not they can leave.
Posted on July 22, 2013, in Daily Prompt, Personal and tagged Daily Post, Daily Prompt, My truth, personal, Sara Bareilles, The Blessed Unrest, Writing Challenge. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.